January 14, 2004
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I’m nervous, people keep telling me how hard it is to get into the art institute. and i feel really discouraged right now…i don’t know why exactly but i don’t feel great.
i’m strange…and i’ll be the first to tell you…but it’s starting to get to me. i usually don’t care. i don’t care about much…but the stuff i do care about…goes really deep. and makes me vulnerable…i hate being vulnerable, i hate showing weakness, i have a problem of not being the best.
people don’t understand me and that makes them dislike me. and i don’t care, unless i really don’t have a problem with them then it bothers me that they don’t like me. i’m a real laid back chill person, and i don’t like drama, i don’t care for excitement, i just like it being calm, easy going. but all that shit i don’t like always seems to find me. i guess i’m starting to feel lost again. i thought i found it when i decided to go back to school.
i don’t know why i’m trying to steady myself in seattle, i just want to leave. i hate it here, i say that over and over, but i do nothing about it. i feel so helpless. how do i get out of seattle? save money and move, right? can’t save money when i have bills. i know what started me on this feeling again, some one i barely know, who really doesn’t know me at all, tried to disect how i was and belittled my exsistence. again that’s where i’d just not care, but for some reason it’s bothering me…so i think, why is it bothering me? could he have been right about some of it? i don’t know…
normally i’d talk to christina and i’d usually feel better because she’d say what i want to hear, and just dis the hell out of him. but…i don’t know how i feel about that right now. i don’t feel like…i can talk to her any more. it’s not that she’s busy, which she is, it’s something else…i can’t quite place it yet. i feel like she’d drop me in a hot minute for her fiance. i feel like i’m only around for her benifit. i feel like she does care but i’m expendible. we really don’t have anything in common. i need her now. right now. what keeps us friends is that we understand each other. we just know. we are on the same wavelength, but polar opposites. i guess being on the same wavelength isn’t enough. fuck. i’m gonna stop thinking. it only pisses me off. in 25 hours and 25 minutes i’m going to be at the art institute. i’m nervous.
Comments (1)
I’m always here for you if you need to talk….I know I probably won’t say the right things, but if you need someone to just shut up and listen….I’m pretty good at that. Plus don’t worry about the A.I. you’re a wonderful artist and you’ll do just fine.