February 14, 2004

• i feel like dying. i have so much going on in my life i just don’t feel good about anything. nothing is going right. i have decisions in my life that i don’t wanna make. i don’t eat properly, i don’t sleep right, i can’t breathe. i dont’ wanna go to work. i just wanna stay home and cry. i have kinda cut off my deep deep emotions from the world for a long time. and now i can’t seem to stop. i can’t control myself. my mind. my eyes. my heart. i just dont’ wanna be alive right now. i dont wanna deal with any of this right now. i wanna go back to a long time ago when i used to just work at some dead end video game store, and play laser tag. i don’t wanna think about anything. i just want it to all be over. soooo much has been going on. and there’s really no one here for me. i have three of the best friends a person could ever hope for (and i should after striking out so many times) but…it…i don’t know. none of them can help me the way i need to be helped. none of them can help me in my decision. and two of them have been the source of one of the problems. but i brought that on myself. i just want the best for jason. i adore him and love him so much i just want everything in the world to be perfect for him. and i know what he’s wanted for so long and partially what he needs to do. and i thought i was helping. and i was. but brooke and i couldn’t pull ourselves away from each other. i really didn’t want this to happen because now it’s complicated stuff much more for him. and i don’t want anything to go wrong. i just want him to be happy. and i want her to be happy. and i think that them together…could be…much greater and beyond anything that i could ever offer him. and it really hurts me to say that. and i can’t help but let the tears flow. but that’s just what i have to do. she’s trying to prevent anything from happening between them because of me, and because she’s leaving to scotland. i don’t wanna be part of that issue but i can understand how it is. i have never felt worse in my life. by far. my heart hurts for so many reasons. and i can’t do anything but cry in my bed alone. i’m so tired of crying. so tired. i don’t know what to do with myself. i feel so selfish in so many aspects right now. when one of my decisions directly effects some one for the rest of their lives…i can’t handle this thought right now. and then with one word i can end jason and brooke and be the biggest bitch to ever set foot on the face of the earth. i can’t handle this power right now. i just dont’ wanna be alive. this is too much to handle in one sitting. and i have to decide if i’m going to move into geralds place…i really don’t need that on my hands right now either. i wish some one could just take me away. wish me luck. because my life is utterly changed from here on out.

  • 3:38 pm
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