hello. long time no chat…well nothing new really. i haven’t been able
to sit at the computer at home because i get uncomfortable really
easily now. not to mention the other day something happened to my puter
and when jeramie turned it off for the night it wouldn’t turn back on
in the morning. *pout* but that’s okay, we have a few speculations of
what it might be.

lame lame lame. i have four hours of play time on the puter at school
and gaia goes onto maintenance from 2pm-3pm how lame!!! no fair no fair!

yea yea i should be doing homework at school, but i’m feeling really really icky right now so i don’t want to. XP he he.

i am soooo anxious. there’s just a little over 3 weeks left! i can’t
wait! doctor says that i’m doing very well and that when the baby comes
out any of the weight i gained should just drop off, he says that i
myself haven’t gained anything. that i’ve actually lost some, and
baby’s gained all of it! *lucky* i know i know! <3

lately i’ve been stressed out about school. well school and home, i am
confuzzled at the moment…i’m having a hard time remembering why i’m
going to school. i’ve been really thinking about my future and
wondering if i could really see myself working on a movie or cartoon or
video game as a career…i don’t know if i can…then again i dont’
know what i can see myself doing =/ *sigh* and since i’m also
unemployed now i have no income to save for baby, never mind
bills…oy….so i’ve just been thinking that i’ve been wasting my
time, and money, at ai and i should be out working, but at this point i
can’t be working anyway =/ doctor has told me that i actually have to
tone it down a little because i’m always running around some where
doing something and i need to relax a little more. i can’t help it.
i’ll go nuts if i don’t have something to do…*sigh* color theory hw.
ugh. well i know what i’m doing when i get home.

so onto my newest and most pertenent stress of all. i need quite a few
things still to get prepared for the baby. i’ve been getting a lot of
help from family and friends, but i still need help with the big stuff.


and i’m going to be brutally honest now about the situation. because i
have no choice. *sigh* one of my best friends had an abortion, and
because of it she can no longer have babies. she was my breaking point
on whether or not i could keep it. she told me in detail everything.
she now has cervicle cancer. and can never have babies again. things
are going much better for her now but she still has to live with that
forever. i could not risk that for myself.

yea it’s a bitch that it
happened. yea it sucks. i had a lot of big plans before this happened.
but i’ve been blessed. and although it may seem like a burden at times,
specifically to the father, it’s here, it’s not going anywhere, we’re
both responsible, and we both have to take responsibility of it. we are
exceptionally lucky to have my parents fully supporting me, my
boyfriend taking over the father role, and my resourcefulness.

But you
need to keep in contact with me from here on out. don’t take any of
this as mean because it’s not. it’s just the truth. i’m due any day now
pretty much, and you need to be there within 5 days of her birth to
sign paternity. and if not, you’ll have to mail it in with a 15 dollar
filing fee, and it will take a very long time for it to be filed.

we
need to be adults now. there’s a whole life in our hands. you got one
lucky freaking deal here. you don’t have to take care of her 24/7
through the hard times when she barely sleeps. you don’t have to do any
of the parenting stuff unless you want to come around. and you’ve made
it very clear that you don’t want to. she’s officially due 9-24 but
doctor says that she’s doing great and may come out any day now. it’s
not my place to make anything happen, or to demand anything. but to be
fair, we are both responsible and we should both have to tend to the
necessary business at hand.

i understand that you are unsure, that
you’re scared, and you don’t feel you can help. but i’m in the same
exact boat. no actually i’m deeper in that boat. my child is not
something to be ashamed of. you should be proud. you should not be
scared of telling your parents. i think that you should give me a call
some time very soon. so we can talk and be more clear. it’s really
rediculous of you to not talk to me for five months and then suddenly
im me online. that’s not very mature. in person or on the phone would
be appropriate, especially considering the subject and the time.

i’m
not asking much, and i’ve actually gotten yelled at by several
important people to me because of how nice i’ve been and how
understanding i’ve been. and they haven’t affected me much, but they
have affected me enough to know that it’s not fair for us to create a
child and only one of us has to deal with it. i’m sure if you bothered
to talk to me and check up i’d sound much more polite, but when you
really think about it i’ve been beyond polite, and now it’s time for
you to be responsible, to be an adult and buckle down.

there are
several things that we need to talk about. i hope to hear from you
within a few days. if not i will try calling your house. ryan, please
be sensible, please be mature. let’s be adults and talk. if you by some
chance happened to loose my number, email me. :
thehotlifeguard@hotmail.com i check it regularly. or if you’d feel more
comfortable, i am able to come by your house. your choice.