it's strange how i feel...i don't know how to describe it. i feel so empty but i'm so full of love and life. very strange. oh well. I'M GOING TO GOTC!!!! heee. thank you seph. and if i'm not a lazy bum and maybe i can get some people to go with me i'll be out there sunday night! I GET OFF EARLY!!!

i've unblocked the two people that were blocked...there's no point in being angry. i'm sorry that you are going thru what you are going thru steve. that sucks. i know how you feel...that's why i blocked your ass. you should call more often. and maybe sober?

since i was 15 i have only sincerely liked three guys. two i was dumped by...the only two to ever dump me. it's hard knowing that the three guys that i've liked in the past 5 years, i have no future with...it's upsetting. well i also liked one of my friends but i've always known that that wasn't going any where so i didn't put to much forth into that...

so my life is changed. and if i feel that you are important enough to me. i'll tell you. but otherwise you won't know. i'm still not even really comfortable with it myself....whatever i have to go. i don't feel like being a bummer any more...some one please save me.

i feel like dying. i have so much going on in my life i just don't feel good about anything. nothing is going right. i have decisions in my life that i don't wanna make. i don't eat properly, i don't sleep right, i can't breathe. i dont' wanna go to work. i just wanna stay home and cry. i have kinda cut off my deep deep emotions from the world for a long time. and now i can't seem to stop. i can't control myself. my mind. my eyes. my heart. i just dont' wanna be alive right now. i dont wanna deal with any of this right now. i wanna go back to a long time ago when i used to just work at some dead end video game store, and play laser tag. i don't wanna think about anything. i just want it to all be over. soooo much has been going on. and there's really no one here for me. i have three of the best friends a person could ever hope for (and i should after striking out so many times) but...it...i don't know. none of them can help me the way i need to be helped. none of them can help me in my decision. and two of them have been the source of one of the problems. but i brought that on myself. i just want the best for jason. i adore him and love him so much i just want everything in the world to be perfect for him. and i know what he's wanted for so long and partially what he needs to do. and i thought i was helping. and i was. but brooke and i couldn't pull ourselves away from each other. i really didn't want this to happen because now it's complicated stuff much more for him. and i don't want anything to go wrong. i just want him to be happy. and i want her to be happy. and i think that them together...could be...much greater and beyond anything that i could ever offer him. and it really hurts me to say that. and i can't help but let the tears flow. but that's just what i have to do. she's trying to prevent anything from happening between them because of me, and because she's leaving to scotland. i don't wanna be part of that issue but i can understand how it is. i have never felt worse in my life. by far. my heart hurts for so many reasons. and i can't do anything but cry in my bed alone. i'm so tired of crying. so tired. i don't know what to do with myself. i feel so selfish in so many aspects right now. when one of my decisions directly effects some one for the rest of their lives...i can't handle this thought right now. and then with one word i can end jason and brooke and be the biggest bitch to ever set foot on the face of the earth. i can't handle this power right now. i just dont' wanna be alive. this is too much to handle in one sitting. and i have to decide if i'm going to move into geralds place...i really don't need that on my hands right now either. i wish some one could just take me away. wish me luck. because my life is utterly changed from here on out.

AHHHHHH gaia is being stupid!!! *grumble*

i've been thinking. and i have gathered my thoughts. i have one message. and i will never speak of this again.

i used to have a best friend. i had thought that it would last forever. i thought we had a lot in common. i thought we understood each other. but i thought wrong. i gave myself completely, i couldn't let myself lie to her. but she had lied to me. she lied to make herself feel better. she lied to herself. it's not my problem any more. i used to be there for her the moment she expressed that she needed me. at a drop of a dime. she was never there for me. never there when i needed her. when i was sad. she had dropped me for the cock. not just the k-cock. there were others. i thought that the respect i had for her, was reciprocle. but it wasn't. i made one mistake. she can't let go. i made one mistake. she won't let go. she won't listen. she won't budge. she says hurtful things without a thought of any one else's feelings. and i won't hold back any more. i now realize that i was nothing to her. and i feel foolish for being so good to her. i have lost a "best friend" and i can't seem to care...never again will i trust her. never again i will be there when you start to feel down on yourself. i'm happy for you two. i wish you have nothing but the best. it was good while it lasted. our tnt bomb has ticked it's last tock and now it's gone. have a nice life.

i've recently met a really great guy so far...we talk a lot, and we have tons in common, and plenty to talk about. very cute. im bored. and i feel great. only good things have been happening to me lately.

well poo i just thought of a bad thing, i have to take some one off my site.

right now i have the clearest mind that i've had in a long long time. difficult to say but it's true. i could explain myself in specifics but i don't need to. she has no respect for me. and didn't before. and doesn't understand me. *shakes head* this is really a shame. but again. it's not worth my stress. i don't need it. fuck off. come back when you can speak to me about shit. i'm actually quite relieve i won't have to walk down the aisle with john. that would have been a site. with all the shit you complain about to me about her. about him. you know what? you just can't seem to compromise, work things out or get past your own nose. i wish i could be more sensitive on this issue. but the reality of it is that i've been sensitive to so much, and have felt guilty about so much, that it's just not worth it. it's not solving anything and it's not going to solve anything. i really do love you. you are in my heart. but...you aren't a person i want around me. at least right now. i'll see you around. i wish you nothing but the best. maybe one day...one day it'll be okay...you don't give a shit about me. so just stop pretending.
i knew you'd drop me for him. i knew the moment you met him. the only time i was confused about that fact, WAS WHEN YOU SET ME UP. YOU LIED. BOTH OF YOU. i don't need it. i'll be over it soon.

few good things. one bad thing. correction, two bad things....nevermind three. good things first. i got a bunch of new dvds and i'm sooooo excited. down part to that. i spent money i shouldn't have. good thing. i had a talk with christina, a well needed talk. not much about what was needed to talk about. but talk none the less. and that talk makes me feel better. downpart to that, again, not doing what i want. third bad thing, i didn't go to laser quest tonight =( well i'm off to watch one of my dvds...ttyl!!!

ooo, i saw it on some one's site. i wanna copy!

using band names, spell out yoru first name: Taking back sunday, All-american rejects, System of a down, Harvey danger, Adema

have you ever had a song written about you? no

what song makes you cry? i don't wanna miss a thing - aerosmith

what song makes you happy? one more sad song - aar

what do you like to listen to before bed? aar, simple plan, a few jpop songs

who was your idol when you were younger? 13=gwen stefani

first album you ever bought? nofx - punk in drublic

Name a song that reminds you of some one and why: "My paper heart" reminds me of jing-jing. she was mumbling the words when i first heard it.

appearance

height: 5'5''
hair color: normally? or when i'm employeed by an overbearing supressive corperate company?
skin color: uh...olive/tan
eye color: shit brown *frown*
piercings: belly, four each ear
tattoos: one. cherries.

right now

what color pants are you wearing? pants? hehe, i'm alone in my room with the door locked...normally, jeans
what song are you listening to? "don't leave me" aar
what taste is in your mouth? ranch and hawaiian pizza
what's the weather like? crap!
how are you? annoyed...pain...all around good!

do you

get motion sickness? only in a car when i'm not driving and a select few retarded "rides" at the fair.
have a bad habit? i wouldn't call them bad, but people who know me would...
get along with your parents? when i need something

favorites

tv show? er...i haven't watched tv in a looonnnggg time. but i suppose it'd be cowboy bebop, dragonball...will and grace
conditioner? suave "naturals" coconut
book? um...angel's and demons by dan brown
magazine? um...that skateboarding one i get at the skate shop...
drink? hehe, depends...
thing to do on weekends? anything but work...but i always work =/
band? AAR!!!

have you

broken the law? hehe only counts if you get caught right?
ran away from home? no
snuck out of the house? no need
ever gone skinny dipping? no =(
made a prank call? when i was little and i didn't have anything better to do
ever tipped over a port-o-potty? no
used your parents credit card before? ha! they've used mine!
skip school? every semester you had 12 unexcused absenses, that's not skipping, that's excersizing you're "sick" days, "personal" days, and "vacation" hours.
fell asleep in the shower/bath? standing? with my tits sticking out...i think not
been in a school play? several
housekeeper, was she? eh?
let a friend cry on your shoulder? the only time we seem to have crisises are when we're too far to lend the shoulder, but she's cried in my ear...

love

bf: no
gf: no
sexuality: how's this relate? CLARIFY THE EFFING QUESTION!  hehe.
children: two, boy and girl. expected? in 5-10 years
current crush? hehe. "crush" um....uhhhh.....iono?
been in love: yes
had a hard time getting over someone: NO! hehe. i lie sometimes.
been hurt: yes. : |
gone out with some one you've only known for three days: i think it may have been four....hahaha!

random

do you have a job: yes
in your cd player: uh...in the car? simple plan. music on my puter? dashboard.
if you were a crayon, what color would you be: metallic light blue
what makes you happy: getting my way
who makes you the happiest: myself...
what's the next cd you're gonna get: rules of attraction soundtrack, letters to cleo
who do you consider good friends: they know who they are
what do you like to do: draw. skateboard. laser tag. video games.

when/what was the last

time you cried: some time early november, maybe just before my birthday...can't remember i tend to block the bad shit out....
got a real letter: 10th grade?
got email: yesterday
thing you purchased: will and grace calender on sale for 4 dollars! a third the normal price, and Pure by some chick...i should be reading it right now....
tv program you watched: the view, this morning, because my mom said that that bitch who stole my husband was on there being stupid...
vacation: my 19th birthday, vegas
movie you saw at the theater: lotr 3? maybe? fuck if i remember

your thoughts on

abortion: summed up by chickie i got this from "a last resort, not an option. don't throw me into debate mode."
teenage smoking: they know the consequence. weed out the stupid ones. go for it!
dreams: complex simplicity, or simple complexity. yes that's what i think about it...
love at first sight: no. lust at first sight is more like it.
the one: jet le? one ring? the one...think that i can't find...there's that word children...unicorn...jason understand that...or should at least hehe.

word of the day: unattainable.

oy. so much on my mind. so little to talk about. i'm dancing back and forth on the line of not giving a shit (an emotion that i've grown to looooove) and a swarming tornado of every emotion that i hate. it's not fun. i'm either emotionless or extremely emotional. i like emotionless. things are easier that way =) well i don't wanna be here any more. so i'm leaving. later.

i have noooo idea if this is the right cd for the song but whatever.

Things went very well. Next, I have to fill out tons and tons of paper work =/. She was very happy with my stuff, and I think I figured out what I'm going to be majoring in. It's not solid yet, so I'm not going to say anything until I know for sure. Of the three things I'm trying to pick from, I'll end up with a Bachlors of Fine Arts in threeeee years! So cool. I wish I could double major, but that'd be a baaaaddd work load. Though, I think it'd be possible though. Completely possible. At least for me. Yet I don't think I'd be able to work. UGH! So much on my mind right now. So much I want/need to get done, but business hours aren't the same as my hours. *sigh*

Now, one of the current things that I need to get done is writing an essay. *rolls eyes* I hate school. lol. Okay so I haven't forgotten how to write an essay...I just can't put together why I want to go there in at least 150 words. This should be a cinch! I mean how did I get through high school. No I didn't study. No I didn't listen to the retarded teachers with their heads up their butts. I bullshitted. I was a pro-bullshitter. I'd take a few sentences and just make up random stuff. and a lot of repeating. They always gave me good grades and told me that I have a knack for essay writing. Whatever. I guess there's no time like the present to get started. *sigh* *grumble* I'll undoubtedly be back later. Hehe, anyone who knows my attention span knows that I will be. =)