today's the day, today's the day, today's the day, today's the day, today's the day, today's the day, today's the day, today's the day.

I'm no longer nervous, i'm just excited. i'm finally getting my life started.

"A missing treasure you're reminded of whenever you gaze upon the ripples in a lake? A fugitive dream that floats across your mind's eye as you're falling asleep? You will be united with it in 2004. A crucial pointer will arrive soon. Watch the clouds."

i almost cried when i read that. i can only think of a couple of people that will understand when they read this. that might be the end of me. false hope. wishful thinking. i don't know. but it doesn't hurt any more. i'm okay now. i'll try not to get my hopes up. but i will be watching the clouds. and i will most likely shed another tear. but i'm okay with it this time.

i feel a lot better now that i'm doing something with myself. now that i'm not just working and that's it. i haven't been accepted or anything yet, but at least i got the ball rolling. the hard part is over. i feel alive again. i'm not going thru the motions any more. i'm living it. i have a purpose, even if it's just temporary. going back to school is just opening the door to everything else. art school nonetheless.

now that i'm feeling good and things are looking up for me, something bad will happen. i know it. it always does. that's okay, i am strong. i am capable. i will over come it all. i will conquer.

I'm nervous, people keep telling me how hard it is to get into the art institute. and i feel really discouraged right now...i don't know why exactly but i don't feel great.

i'm strange...and i'll be the first to tell you...but it's starting to get to me. i usually don't care. i don't care about much...but the stuff i do care about...goes really deep. and makes me vulnerable...i hate being vulnerable, i hate showing weakness, i have a problem of not being the best.

people don't understand me and that makes them dislike me. and i don't care, unless i really don't have a problem with them then it bothers me that they don't like me. i'm a real laid back chill person, and i don't like drama, i don't care for excitement, i just like it being calm, easy going. but all that shit i don't like always seems to find me. i guess i'm starting to feel lost again. i thought i found it when i decided to go back to school.

i don't know why i'm trying to steady myself in seattle, i just want to leave. i hate it here, i say that over and over, but i do nothing about it. i feel so helpless. how do i get out of seattle? save money and move, right? can't save money when i have bills. i know what started me on this feeling again, some one i barely know, who really doesn't know me at all, tried to disect how i was and belittled my exsistence. again that's where i'd just not care, but for some reason it's bothering me...so i think, why is it bothering me? could he have been right about some of it? i don't know...

normally i'd talk to christina and i'd usually feel better because she'd say what i want to hear, and just dis the hell out of him. but...i don't know how i feel about that right now. i don't feel like...i can talk to her any more. it's not that she's busy, which she is, it's something else...i can't quite place it yet. i feel like she'd drop me in a hot minute for her fiance. i feel like i'm only around for her benifit. i feel like she does care but i'm expendible. we really don't have anything in common. i need her now. right now. what keeps us friends is that we understand each other. we just know. we are on the same wavelength, but polar opposites. i guess being on the same wavelength isn't enough. fuck. i'm gonna stop thinking. it only pisses me off. in 25 hours and 25 minutes i'm going to be at the art institute. i'm nervous.

I'M GOING IN FOR A TOUR AND STUFF ON THURSDAY!!! *nervous* i'm excited...*jumps around screaming* yay!!! well i'm gonna go be happy! ttyl!!!

i feel weird. i'm not irritated by my job so much any more...i don't know why, it's actually gotten kinda worse...well i feel good, i don't know what it is. but i still feel that i'm in the wrong place, and there isn't much i can do about it. arg! oh well, i'll work on that some more. i have a purdy scarf that i just finished. i loooove it, it's really softttt. look!that's a picture of my kitty wearing my scarf, even though she's making a funny face, it doesn't mean anything she liked it, it almost matches her eyes. =) oh oh oh tomorrow remind me! i have to call ais! oh hey...maybe i can go to a different art institute, some where that i'd be happier...my feet are hot =/ well i'm out for now! ttyl!!!

finally get to celebrate my birthday like i should! girls night!!! i'm so excited. *grins* well i really don't feel like talking much..so i'm gonna go for now...i'm sure i'll get into the typing feeling soon. so don't fret. *muah*

i love snow...i hate it today. i can't go out to all my friends because of it. *grumble* so it looks like i can't do anything at all today =( this is lame lame lame lame. no use of getting older if i can't spend it with friends. oh well, video games it is!

*sings* tina's mom's birthday song "go shorty, it's you're birthday, we're gonna party like it's you're birthday, we're gonna sip bacardi like it's you're birthday, and you know we don't give a fuck cause it's your birthday!"

lalala. i feel okay i suppose...my birthday is coming up...i've been in a horrible mood for a good reason...and i don't feel like getting into it because then i'll just get more grumpy..but right now i feel okay, because i got my first birthday card!!! yay!!! hehe. even though it was from my bank. hahaha, they didn't do it last year! but it's cool, i like it, i know most of the people that work there so it's great!

plans for my birthday? nothing, my birthday always sucks, so i'm planning on just...iono chillin at home, maybe go out to federal way to see if any of my lq homiez remember about my birthday. hey it's sunday...i could go out there tonight, but the roads suck. and i don't have tabs...*groan* *sigh* i hate this. oh well. life is but a dream right? hahaha. man if only.

*sings* so please don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed. this wait for destiny won't due, be with me please i beseech you.

hehe, great great song. i love those guys. I GET TO HANG OUT WITH A NEW PERSON TODAY!!! well i don't suppose she's that new, i've known her since i was...14 hehe. but she's out of the routin folks. hehe.

"i think it's time for me and peter to tangle" *whack* "okay, but i must warn you i studied karate with a chinese grand master" *takes stance* "well i hope that he taught you how to pull a fire poker OUT OF YOUR ASSSSSS!"

::edited:: i'm actually in a great mood. because i've ceased to care. "she's lost her will, time is standing still" aint that that effin truth. oh well. fuck it. i'm gonna go find another meaningless thing to kill my time with. later.

p.s. i dont' know if this is the right cd but whatever

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN FIVE DAYS!!!

IT'S SNOWING!!!!