okay a long long time ago i was going to talk about some stuff that happened in the summer but i decided that it wasn't appropriate or something, so i decided to just leave it off xanga. but now my best friend is talking about it. i suppose i can be completely honest in here. this is my personal journal and if you don't like what i'm saying then don't read it! arg. i really don't feel like getting deep into the story but...you know what fuckit, me shooting off at the mouth is not gonna help anything or anyone. because what i have to say will definitely piss off tina and i really don't want the drama between us again. it's not nessassary, and i don't need any more stress in my fucking life. i want my life to be simple and stay that way.

i have a crush on a really good friend of mine, and we hang out a decent amount, and i want so much with him. but i don't think that i'd ever happen. and i'll take anything i can get with him. so the point of that section was to get to this, i just want my life to be simple. video games, drawing, movies, work, and the life essentials. is that much to ask??? oh and i want a comfortable relationship, and i want the closeness me and my best friend have...

i'm tired of dating. i don't wanna date any more. lol. and the bummer is unless something miraculous happens i'm going to be dating for quite some time to come =( eh. grumble. i'm sleeepppyyyyy *yawn* *rubs eyes* night night.

tina - whatever! i have no idea where you get that i made you look bad. i wasn't trying to and i really don't see where you got that from. that's a load of crap if you got pissed about that. whatever! and if anything it made you look good, you're my best friend looking out for me.  and it's good that i have an attractive best friend because then it weeds them out. i guess if you wanna mistrue it then do it but just know that there was no intention and you know i would never purposefully try to make you look bad. so whatever. be pissed at me.

so i had a good day i worked with the manager today, it's fun working with her she's really nice. although she plays favorites hard core. =/ anyway, i had a good day. thought a lot. i feel good. i'm in a good mood. i have been for a while. i realized some stuff and i feel good. i'm excited and not excited about the holidays at the same time...i looove the atmosphere around the holidays, but i hate it at the same time.

so i'm feeling good again. i'm tired of this rollercoaster bs. i'm ready to have that out of my life. so i heard that steve said hi to tina, my best friend...that's nice, he can talk to her, HAVE THE TIME to talk to her, but not to me. great. that tells me a lot. i'm feeling good, and i'm angry, being angry, doesn't make me feel anything but good usually. appearently he wanted to make sure that she wasn't mad at him too...wtf! whatever.

little background. i have a best friend. she's amazing. we're very similar and very different at the same time. with all honesty, i get over looked a lot when i'm with her. she's beautiful. and that's fine with me. but when i have a bf or some one i'm interested in, it's really touchy. i don't know how to describe it...well anyway i guess that sums up the background on that as best as it can be. so it really really bothers me if the person i'm some how involved with flirts or whatever with her. i guess you could call it a female threat thing, but i don't have to worry about her part...because she's the greatest. well also i suppose it doesn't matter if they do flirt and shit because that means that they aren't worthy of me, right? like some one that's with me would only have eyes for me right? no need to see where it can go with the friends...so that's just another way of weeding out the bad ones right? grrrr. whatever. it's his life, if he wants to talk to her and not me that simplifies a lot of stuff for me. so whatever.

i'm so happy about one thing right now. but i can't talk about it much at all...HEY HEY I'M GETTING GOOD AT DDR!!! i'm so proud of myself. yay me!!!

ugh now i'm thinking about stuff again...i was doing so good a minute ago. gr, whatever. fuck off.

steve - i'll give you all the time you need. i don't want there to be any fights. and even if i did wanna start shit i still wouldn't have...i'm not a violent person. and i don't want my friends fighting. hehehe, anyway i don't know your address. lolll. i can't say that i'm okay with the break up, i don't understand a lot of stuff...i don't imagine that i will understand but i've accepted it, and your apology. i don't have anything else to say....

I FEEL SOOO SPECIAL RIGHT NOW!!!

there are a few people who care about me enough that they are very very angry with steve for hurting me. and now in their words "he broke her heart, i'm breaking his face" LMFAO!!! i told them not to though =/ it's the thought that counts right? i wish i were angry at him. i probably will be eventually...it looks like he doesn't even wanna be my friend any more. i figured as much. i learned early on not to get my hopes up with him...awww i feel so special though. because one guy that wants to kick his ass has a really close knit group of friends, and they don't let anything happen to him, so in reality there are like two or three guys that'd fight before my friend gets into it. hahaha. that makes me feel so special. hm....steve said that he hadn't gotten in a fight in a while, and that he wanted to....nah. i not malicious. grumble. i wish he cared. i wish he gave a shit. and i wish he'd clear a bunch of stuff up for me. arg. whatever i guess...i'm gonna go draw. it's theraputic for me. i need that...

"Showing resistance when you need to cooperate, you should perhaps explain your hesitancy. Long-standing friends will understand. A new love has charming manners just like an old flame."

WTF!!! bring it! hahaha. that's my horroscope....i'm bored.

"I'm sick of always hearing all those sad songs on the radio. All day it is there to remind an over sensitive *girl that she's lost and alone. I hate our favorite restaurant, our favorite movie, our favorite show. We would stay up all through the night, we would laugh and get high, and never answer the phone.
I can't forgive, can't forget, can't give in. What went wrong? Cause you said this was right, you fucked up my life.
I'm sick of always hearing sappy love songs on the radio. This place is fucking cursed in it's plague, and i can never escape the way my heart explodes.
I can't forgive, can't forget, can't give in. What went wrong? Cause you said this was right, you fucked up my life.
I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me. What went wrong...."

great song. eh...

quick update, because i have to go excersize...i.e. play ddr. lmfao. anyway,  languages...i should have really thought about it...it's still pretty awesome but it's still strickly tourism stuff. =/ oh well. at least i'll know how to find a taxi...and ask where the bananas are...hahaha. hm...don't think there's anything else...MANA!!! hehehe. later!!!

LALALA!!! i'm in such a great mood! yay me!!! hm...i think i'm gonna go out tonight. i don't know what i'm gonna do but i will go out tonight. i am in such a great mood! like even before the butt head came around. and while i was with him. it doesn't compare to how i feel right now. i don't know why i'm in such a good mood...and i probably shouldn't be because there's a tournament in vegas damn near my birthday, and i went last year, and i'd LOOOOVE to go back this year for it but it looks like i won't be able to because i dont' have enough hours coming up to afford it =( i'm gonna cry....no...no i'm not. i'm too cheerful right now. but it is an amazing bummer. AND AND my best friend would have gone with me!!! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OUR FIRST TRIP. AND MY BIRTHDAY!!! AND LASER QUEST!!! it would have been great =( so anyway, i'm in an okay mood now...

MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD...DAMN RIGHT IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS, I COULD TEACH YOU BUT I'D HAVE TO CHARGE!!!

watch out...trouble is back, winter break is coming up, and me and tina are on the loose. heh.

lalala bored. i feel great. have had a lot of time on my hands but i've made the most of it. i've decided to start learning more languages, italian and japanese...japanese is way harder...eh well i'm talented and determined, so i'll conquer. oh yea, word of the day conquer don't wanna look up what it means but yea...so anywhoo. i'm having fun. doing stuff. IT SNOWED TODAY!!! <3 i am watching spiderman right now. i don't have anything to say....eh i'm gonna go do one of the three things that i do now. lol. oh yea, btw. I'VE CONQUERED AFRONOVA!!! i'm on to learning more fun fun songs. yay.

i just wanted to get all the other entries off my main page. i just want it out of my mind. that's what i need right now. i made a promise to myself, to be completely honest in here. so i will.

i can't be myself right now. i am not myself right now. when it comes to the dealings with my heart, i'm a girl. i get hurt easily, and i've come to terms with that. i hate it and it pisses me off, but that's just the way it is and there is nothing i can do about it. normally, i am just like, oh well whatever. moving on. but i'm not at that point just yet. i miss him and i don't. i don't miss the in between times when he brought out my insecurities. but i think that the times when we were together out weighed it. i suppose there were little things that you'll miss about each of your exs. morgan, i miss how he'd get angry with me when i didn't give him enough attention, how he'd growl when i'd mention another boy's name. jason, i could tell that i was top priority, eventually he'd always give in to me, he spoiled me. steve, the way he'd stare at me, especially when we were driving, we seemed to have so much in common. and there are things that you don't like about each of em. and there is no need to bring all that up. i don't know for sure what i miss right now. i don't know if it's actually steve, or just having a bf....probably a little bit of both. oh well i guess...i give myself about two more days to be upset. and if i'm still upset, i'm gonna kick my own ass.

remember the titans is a great movie <33333